Mutterings and Ramblings

Fr. Doug is about to return to the parish from his vacation to Mexico which means that I am about to start discernment and training to be more involved- lay eucharistic ministry and lay reading were definately mentioned. But now that the time for considering discernment comes closer, I find myself ill prepared to speak aloud about my beliefs and callings. Its not, I think, that they are weak as much as I am not able to fully articulate them.
I know I was put on this earth to make a difference. Not a big one, I don't have the huge dreams I did when I was a teen. I want to make a geranium's difference. Small, not immediately noticable. But one whose effects last in the manner of a habit. Again I am not explaining myself well. Geraniums are those hearty flowers that are unloved in the gardening world. They don't smell like a rose, aren't flashy, and are common. You see them everywhere. My grandmother's house wouldn't be the same without the rows of geraniums out front baking slowly in the San Antonio August heat and humidity. The broad, fuzzy leaves giving off the hot and slightly spicy aroma of dirt and ozone somehow mixed together. You see them everywhere in Texas. Mainly because you can forget to water them, forget to bring them in out of the direct summer sun that melts the asphalt into goo, forget them utterly- and yet, when you do remember them they are still there, patiently waiting for you. All it takes is a bit of water and pinching a few leaves and the plant blooms vibrantly. Those are my aspirations now. For my life's work to be painted quietly in the background. Something reliable that produces vibrancy. Something that makes the parish home.
Three years ago, I joined the ECUSA. My first church welcomed me with open arms. Of course, they didn't realize I was a wolf in sheep's clothing. I was the social liberal in the most conservative church in town. As my lamb's wool slowly peeled back through the time I was with them, they welcomed me as I was. I felt I served a purpose in the parish as the in house "voice of reason". When rheteric became too heated I would stand and speak as quietly and calmly as I could, despite the fact that sometimes my insides shook with anger. Sometimes I was effective, sometimes perhaps not. However, I do believe I made people think. A small consilation perhaps.
Anyway, time moves as it will, and now I am no longer a high school science teacher. I moved away from West Texas and returned to school to become a nurse and, eventually, a nurse practioner. I found myself skipping from one church to another looking for someplace I could be comfortable. I finally found in at St. Paul's. Despite the fact that for the last two years I had developed the repeated and ever present desire to become a deacon, I felt like I lost my position in the church. What is the point of the "voice of reason" in a place where you agree with the social policies? Why argue for more outreach in a place full of outreach? And nursing was just as pointless. I knew I didn't want to work in a hospital, so what could I do with my life to really make a difference? I finally found it on a course held in Chinle, Arizona. There were whole populations out there whose health services were nonexistant. And they aren't all in distant places. In fact, some are right outside our parish door. In a conversation with the dean, who headed up the course, I found myself trying to explain how I felt a need to serve them. It was she who led me into parish nursing and faith based community nursing. I had a point again. And I was ready to go with it.
There is still a long path. There are still hurdles. But its hard to live life, for me at least, without a goal. Having a goal colors all that I do, gives even the most pointless tasks at nursing school a reason other then "because they told me to". Perhaps this is a move that serves myself more then others. That is something I hope to discover during the course of the year. And, of course, the bishop may decide not to create a deaconate program at all. That is all in the hand's of another. I only pray that I am wise enough to know which path to take and when to take it.
If anyone has read this, which I doubt. First I apologise ahead. I should have placed a boring tag and a warning to stay away. And second, this is nothing more then me trying to get my head around things my heart already knows.