Human greatness

Today was the last of this year's EfM exercises. We met at the Bishop Jones Center here in San Antonio for a day of contemplation, prayer and good byes. It was bitter sweet for the group for four members graduated this year and, for me, it is the mark of leaving EfM for an uncertain time. It is not only saying good bye to the group and the course for me, but possibly turning by back on a path that I might have taken. A path that my heart still longs to follow. Of course, for ever destination there are any number of paths, so I know that one day I will reach the end of this spiritual journey and the starting of another. Time, only, will tell what that jumping off point will be. But what ever it is, I pray that it is planted in firm ground with rich soil.

The first part of today's retreat involved walking the grounds in silent prayer and meditation. At each point of rest, there were passages from the Bible placed there for us to contemplate. For some stops I journaled and for others I merely sat in quiet joy surrounded by cool grass, fresh breezes, the scent of flowers and the lilt of bird song. It is an easy place to touch spirituality- our very own thin place in the heart of San Antonio. At some points you can hear the rushing waters from the spring that forms the headwaters of the San Antonio river. For a girl raised in the deserts of West Texas dancing waters have always held a special fascination and thankfulness. There are many things that came up today which I will probably spend the next few weeks fleshing out and recording for my devoted audience of one (have I mentioned today how much I love you?). But the following passage has, I think, been rolling around in my head for a long time now and I think its time I set it free. To provide a setting, it was the second stop in my spiritual walk: the small chapel of the Center. It, like the house, is decorated in Spanish colonial splendor- white washed walls; dark and rich wood; a classic simplicity of line and space. It was there I knelt at the alter rail and contemplated my life. Here is what appeared in my journal afterwards.


As I knelt before the alter I gave thanks- something I do not do nearly enough. I praised and thanked God for me. I think him for being perfectly imperfect and worthy in my unworthiness. For sometimes, somehow, I think it is our flaws, our weaknesses that make us great. Not even that we overcome our weaknesses to achieve greatness, but that our weaknesses are our greatness, that they define us. Not in a sense of negativity- but in a sense of freedom. My flows are what makes me- anyone can be a good nurse, any one can cook as well as I do, any one can be as good of an artist. But my inability to be straight forward, my constant shifting of all things to an oblique angle- that is what defines my art, my love, my sense of humor. For each great person we admire, we admire them for their flaws. If Julia Child had not been so delightfully and naturally shallow- interested more in the sensuality of the world then the intellectual, would she have been a great chef? If Patton had not been such a rigid bastard, would have then the great general? If I were me without my flaws, would I be me at all? In the end, if I were to remove all my flaws and be only my strengths I would be no one in particular. It is our flaws that define us. It is our weaknesses that make us great.

Psalm 71 16-34

An exercise from In Dialog with Scriptures. As one of the last exercises in EfM we were required to read Psalm 71 in the following manner.
1. Read it out loud as a group
2. Answer: What speaks to me?
3. Read silently on your own
4. Answer: What are the authors tensions or concerns addressed in the Psalm, what are my tensions and concerns addressed by the Psalm.
5. Read aloud
6. Answer: What insights have I gained? What have I learned or relearned about God? About myself? What is the Psalm calling me to do? Can I? Will I?
7. Read aloud entire Psalm as a prayer

I find myself wishing to record the answers because I think that what I scratched up from the depths is something I will need to be able to return to. We all have mental, spiritual and physical places that we must, periodically, return to in the effort to touch base with ourselves. I think that this might be one such spot.

2. I often feel like my life is full of adversity, that I take two steps back for every one step forward, though I know this not to be true because I can see m path behind me when I turn. Perhaps this feeling of working against the grain comes from being risen up, for the act of climbing is more exhausting the that of walking the flat path and your is often obscured by the narrowness of the path and the height of the trees. I may toil, but I do make progress though the price is dear. But always the summit is worth the effort. Perhaps you are the places in the path where my progress is clear, the points in my travel where I can see for miles and know the joy of being surrounded by and one with something so much greater then myself. You are the pauses and the clear view that puts my journey in perspective.

4. The writer is concerned about being forsaken when aged- of not having a purpose of reason. I often fear a meaningless life. I fear a life in which no one can say my being here or my passing affected anyone. Even more then family and love I have and do crave meaning. But more then just having a life where people think well of me- but having a life which people can look back and say because of her a thing was created or discreated. I have always felt a sense of great purpose to my life and fear that it is nothing more then vanity on my part. That this is the course of my life and the extent of my effect upon the world. I fear being useless. I fear impotence. And I fear the vanity that is inherent in that very fear. That my ego will answer the call of the Devil from my greatest strengths, my most sacred compulsions. That I seek my duties not for God nor for my fellow man, but for myself.

6. I have been recalled to the knowledge that Gos is with me, through my hardships and doubts, Gos is with me. He holds me in the palm of his hand and he is the quiet space of my soul that knows the rightness and wrongness of my actions and desires. I have learned that the snake in the grass is myself- my need for greatness and a life less ordinary. I have learned that the arrow that pierces my Achilles heel is also myself- my ego which seeks to glorify God for the sale of myself.
Deeds done well for the wrong reason are still ill deeds, for they bear the fruit of the soil they are planted in. If I am to bear good fruit, then I must tend the soil that nourishes it. My ego is like salt in the soil, withering the fruit- preventing its seeds from sprouting. I am the gardener of my soul and I have been lax. It is time to resume my charge.

Long Time...

Well, its been a long time since I have felt the need to put finger to key, as it were. Life has been going very well of late. I am seeing a wonderful man and am starting to slide into that comfortable rythm of a new relationship. Of course, this is made easier by the fact that he is half way across the world and stationed in Afghanistan. But he will be returning home in a few months.

But I am left to move alone. Thankfully I have completed nursing school, though at times I have doubted myself more then I like to admit. But having him there, even if by over the phone, telling me that I could do that he was proud and believed in me. Well, that was just the push I needed to get through that last semester filled with stress and apathy.

I consider myself very, very fortunate. Not just to have met him, but also because I have so many blessings. Its funny how often we forget just how blessed we are. I have been given so much in this life. But then I forget that, and I start looking with envy at the lives of others. And I am ashamed of myself when I realize it. Ashamed and saddened. So, I have begun to pray about my blessings. Counting them every night- I am well, my family is healthy, my 86 year old grandmother is recovering well from a severe shoulder injury and has even started to drive again, I am in love and I am loved, my dogs are all healthy, I have a home, I have a job, my brother is returning from Afghanistan soon and he and his family are all healthy, my car has yet to break down, my knee is healing well from dislocating it playing tennis, my friend Jenny is getting married to the love of her life and my best friends have just bought a new house.

So many blessings. So many things that are so wonderful. And yet I can become blind to them. We weren't placed on this earth to desire that which we do not or cannot have, but to celebrate the life that we are given. To want and love what we do have.

Perhaps that is the best that we can wish for eachother- to pray that we all want and love what we do have in our lives.

Project Graduation!

Well, it's (semi) official! I just heard from my clinical instructor and I passed my acute care final. I am officially graduating!

I cannot BEGIN to express the relief I am feeling now. I am so very excited. I have been wanting to put off all the things I need to do to graduate as I was actually afraid that I wouldn't make it. Now I can feel free to send out the announcements and to look for a place to live in Abilene.

In a little while all that I need to get done will start crashing down on me- but for now, I am just happy that I can continue on with the rest of my life.

Easter Sunday

It has been a quiet Easter for the most part. I woke up early, but not early enough to catch the BF online. He had come and gone just a few minutes before I logged on. Which is always pretty painful. I don't know how much chance we'll have to talk once he gets to his true deployment area so I tend to be a bit over protective about my chances to talk to him now. But I am hopeful that I'll catch him online tonight.

I made it to Easter Mass in time to be the second banner bearer for the 1030 mass. I enjoy being an acolyte for the more part, however there are times like this morning which I would prefer to be able to just sit in the pews and enjoy our services. But, I enjoyed it anyway. And being a part of stripping the alter on Maundy Thursday was worth not being able to see the ceremony in its full glory. After Easter Mass was our traditional champagne social and the blessing of the garden.

I managed to finish shaving the dog today. It only took three weekends to get through the fluff. So, no more Princess Fluffy Britches. She is scraggly looking, but at least she's short haired again. I swear, no more high maintenance fur dogs. Of course, the next dog is probably going to be a greyhound. Short fur, quiet dogs are best, I think.

All day long I have been fighting off the blahs. Basically, I just really miss my boyfriend today. I think its mainly because of Easter. Easter is generally my favorite holiday of the year. I usually decorate, cook a huge meal, make Easter baskets for my friends, get an Easter tree up- basically just go all out. And this year, not only am I not with the man I love- I am also broke due to being in my final year of nursing school. So, the combination hasn't been great. I have tried to keep myself busy and distracted, which has worked to an extent. But every time I quiet down long enough to sit, its back. I just miss him. And I wish he were here. And there isn't anything I can do about it all the whinging, worrying or dwelling on it in the world can't make that change. So, I am just getting buy as best I can. Which isn't that poorly when it comes down to it.


Happy Easter.

....And he's gone

Well, he left for the Middle East yesterday. He called right before stepping onto the plane and leaving me for almost seven months. Since it was Wednesday, I was in the middle of my community health clinic. I managed to put off the emotional fallout of having a boyfriend deploy because I needed to concentrate on school- however now that the clinical is over and the test today is over and done with all I can really think about is him. He's gone for almost seven months.

Not that I don't have a lot to do-
I need to finish my course work (two papers and four projects), get graduated, take the KAPLAN course, pass the NCLEX (which is going to cost me another two hundred dollars to take) and move to Abilene. Yep. Abilene. The song may state that its the "prettiest town that I've ever seen", by which I can only assume that the writer of said ballad was, in fact, blind. But he's there and there's that. I would probably get more money staying here, but there isn't much to be done about it at the moment.

So, tomorrow I start my workouts again. I no longer have hugely pressing projects and I am starting to feel a bit better. So it is definitely time for me to grace the inside of my gym again. Perhaps working out tomorrow morning will help my allergies and keep me awake for the four hour acute class tomorrow from 0800 to 1200. What were they thinking having a four hour class? No one pays attention to anything for four hours! They don't even make movies four hours long because by the end everyone is just hoping that the characters meet an unexpected accident or alien abduction because their butts are numb from the theater seats!

I am looking forward to having the end of my nursing school in sight. Its been a long haul for me- emotionally, physically and mentally. I am so glad that I have gone through it, but I don't know that anyone could pay me to go through it again. I am sick to death of nursing instructors and am slightly afraid that all nurses will be as insane and unreasonable as they are- though I suspect that this will not hold true. Or perhaps I just hope that this will not hold true. Otherwise the only logical explanation is that they put crack in the coffee at the hospital. But so far my clinicals have gone well and I have enjoyed working with many of the nurses on staff. So I am hoping that I will continue this trend.

Here and Gone Again

Well, Valentine's day has come and gone- and has had my boyfriend. We managed to sneak in one last weekend together before he deploys around the first of next month. Three whole days spent together and in the company of respective families. Ok, to be fair I could have done without the family part. But I couldn't find it in me to protest it. After all, I am not the only one he is leaving behind. And it gave me a chance to meet his mother and some of his extended family, so that was all for the good.

I had briefly considered making up some non-life threatening but plausible illness to prevent him from meeting my side of the family, but in the end I decided that it was best to throw him to the wolves now rather then let him get too invested before hand. So, to Grandmother's house we went. Fortunately my aunt was on her best behavior- she too apparently assuming that it is much to early in the relationship to find out the true nature of the insanity that is our family. She was polite, she whipped out all the family photos and had detailed explanations for each one- just in case he was interested in meeting any of the family that is unfortunate enough to still reside in Kansas and he might get a wild hare up his butt to go looking for my family in Kansas. You know, because corn fields and farmers are definitely worth the trip.

G. leaves in just a few days. I won't be able to see him again until sometime in fall- no one knows exactly when. All I can hope and pray is that he will return to me well in body and spirit. I pray that the time goes by quickly and smoothly for all concerned. And I pray that I am strong enough to be here for him, waiting for his return.

Love

Valentine's Day is looming near, rearing it's ugly head to the fear and consternation of lovers everywhere. The one day in which affection becomes obligatory, no longer a joy freely given. But it leaves one wondering, or at least this one wondering, what is the nature of love?
It has always been my personal belief that love is something we grow into you. That blinding lights to the brain, odd revelations in the middle of the night- music, fairy dust and all that rot- were abstract works of fiction created to inspire the parting of money and pocket. That love, true and abiding love, was an animal of an entirely different nature. It was slow, solid and deliberate. Basically the mule of the emotional world- steady and plodding, but gets the job done without too much fan fair. That often, under the flash and attraction of first love there lay the mule ready to take over where the race horse left off, if one may excuse the extended equine analogy.
Perhaps things are not so simple. Love is something else entirely, or rather- it is entirely neither but shares the characteristics of both. Love is the quick flash- the burning light to the brain. It is waking up in the middle of the night with the sudden realization- I am in love. It is the feeling of innate rightness, deep in the soul that who and what you are is meant to be with another. But it is also that slow deliberate plodding creature. It is choosing to spend time watching a football game when you would rather be reading. It is leaving the last cookie in the bag for someone else. It is sitting quiet with someone without a word to say and being content in the silence.
Perhaps in the end, love is knowing that you would rather run the uncertain risk of entering into a relationship with someone then to never know what might have been.

And off he goes.....

Well, dear BF is off to training in lovely and scenic Manhattan, Kansas. When he called last night, he was complaining about the weather- apparently it was in the teens/low twenties which is quite a big jump from lows in the fifties here in Texas. Adding further to his frustration is the fact that the military, in all it's wisdom, designed a schedule in which they were rushed up from Texas only to have a day off today, in-processing tomorrow and Thursday through Monday off. Basically, those days which he could have spent with me or his daughter are completely wasted. Typical military. He's completely frustrated and will start looking to transfer to a special assignment for the last of his military career. Selfishly, I would love to have him set in recruiting for the next three years until retirement.

I have been wondering if our relationship hasn't outpaced itself a bit. A lot of the problem is that he wanted things more settled and certain before he left. Which I could understand, what's the use of pinning your hopes on someone who may or may not be there in eight months when you return. Its a pretty common story in the military- boy meets girl. Boy gets deployed. Boy returns to find girl with other boy in bed. Sometimes people have returned to full divorce petitions. Every one I know who has deployed has that in the back of their minds when they leave a loved one. So I really do understand why things progressed so quickly.

Its going to take quite a bit for me to shift him out of my focus for the next few months. I have to graduate and I can't let anything distract me too much. Fortunately the worst is over with last semester and I am looking forward to many of my courses this semester. I have added a second job at the hospital- its an extern position which will help me learn the ropes there and gain the skills I will need as a nurse. I feel I have a good grasp of why things are done and what to look for in patients, but the actual skills are a bit weak due to a lack of opportunities to practice. Unfortunately, you can't just start an IV on someone because you want the practice. Something silly about ethics. Whatever. Pfft.

Holiday Happenings

Well, spent Christmas with the parents. I drove back to Midland with the mutts in tow on the Saturday before Christmas (having neatly planned being only able to stay with them for five days). It was a nice trip though. My mother and I didn't have enough time to start any fights, what with the holiday preparations and what not. The only major contention was my oldest dog, Lilith. I had allowed my parents to keep her after I managed to get a house with a large backyard because they were convinced that my other small dogs would drive her crazy. However this holiday I couldn't stand watching my mother feed a now obese ten year old dog cheesy-beefy rice. So, Lilith has returned home with me. And it was a great decision, for her at least. She's on a good diet now and I have taken her to the dog park a number of times. She trots around the park trying to break up the fights between other dogs and once Pongo has annoyed another dog beyond all measure, Pongo hides under her belly for protection.

The dog park is an interesting phenomenon. All the "how to net and pen a suitable dating partner" books and articles always mention dog parks as a great place to meet people. I can only assume that this is because they have never actually been to one. For those of you who have not, its a culture unto itself. People stand around watching their dogs telling each other elaborate (and mostly made up) stories about how wonderful their dogs are with the occasional interjection of "Molly, stop that! No!" and "Oh, she never does that at home....". No one introduces themselves. We introduce the dogs. I am now officially "Lilith's, Pongo's and Beaudroux's Mom". I mean, I always wanted a title, right? We spend time tickling other people's dogs, throwing balls for them, laughing with them and sitting with a huge pile of dogs around us. But we barely look at the other humans around us. Because the dog park is literally, for the dogs. So, by all means- take your dog to the dog park. They will never be happier then running around and interacting with all the other crazy mutts. But don't expect too much on the human side of things, for at the dog park the dogs definitely rule.

And in other news, the man I am dating is about to be sent off for training. He deploys to Afghanistan in March. We just started dating, so who knows what so many months separated will do. My timing has always been a bitch.