Easter Sunday

It has been a quiet Easter for the most part. I woke up early, but not early enough to catch the BF online. He had come and gone just a few minutes before I logged on. Which is always pretty painful. I don't know how much chance we'll have to talk once he gets to his true deployment area so I tend to be a bit over protective about my chances to talk to him now. But I am hopeful that I'll catch him online tonight.

I made it to Easter Mass in time to be the second banner bearer for the 1030 mass. I enjoy being an acolyte for the more part, however there are times like this morning which I would prefer to be able to just sit in the pews and enjoy our services. But, I enjoyed it anyway. And being a part of stripping the alter on Maundy Thursday was worth not being able to see the ceremony in its full glory. After Easter Mass was our traditional champagne social and the blessing of the garden.

I managed to finish shaving the dog today. It only took three weekends to get through the fluff. So, no more Princess Fluffy Britches. She is scraggly looking, but at least she's short haired again. I swear, no more high maintenance fur dogs. Of course, the next dog is probably going to be a greyhound. Short fur, quiet dogs are best, I think.

All day long I have been fighting off the blahs. Basically, I just really miss my boyfriend today. I think its mainly because of Easter. Easter is generally my favorite holiday of the year. I usually decorate, cook a huge meal, make Easter baskets for my friends, get an Easter tree up- basically just go all out. And this year, not only am I not with the man I love- I am also broke due to being in my final year of nursing school. So, the combination hasn't been great. I have tried to keep myself busy and distracted, which has worked to an extent. But every time I quiet down long enough to sit, its back. I just miss him. And I wish he were here. And there isn't anything I can do about it all the whinging, worrying or dwelling on it in the world can't make that change. So, I am just getting buy as best I can. Which isn't that poorly when it comes down to it.


Happy Easter.

....And he's gone

Well, he left for the Middle East yesterday. He called right before stepping onto the plane and leaving me for almost seven months. Since it was Wednesday, I was in the middle of my community health clinic. I managed to put off the emotional fallout of having a boyfriend deploy because I needed to concentrate on school- however now that the clinical is over and the test today is over and done with all I can really think about is him. He's gone for almost seven months.

Not that I don't have a lot to do-
I need to finish my course work (two papers and four projects), get graduated, take the KAPLAN course, pass the NCLEX (which is going to cost me another two hundred dollars to take) and move to Abilene. Yep. Abilene. The song may state that its the "prettiest town that I've ever seen", by which I can only assume that the writer of said ballad was, in fact, blind. But he's there and there's that. I would probably get more money staying here, but there isn't much to be done about it at the moment.

So, tomorrow I start my workouts again. I no longer have hugely pressing projects and I am starting to feel a bit better. So it is definitely time for me to grace the inside of my gym again. Perhaps working out tomorrow morning will help my allergies and keep me awake for the four hour acute class tomorrow from 0800 to 1200. What were they thinking having a four hour class? No one pays attention to anything for four hours! They don't even make movies four hours long because by the end everyone is just hoping that the characters meet an unexpected accident or alien abduction because their butts are numb from the theater seats!

I am looking forward to having the end of my nursing school in sight. Its been a long haul for me- emotionally, physically and mentally. I am so glad that I have gone through it, but I don't know that anyone could pay me to go through it again. I am sick to death of nursing instructors and am slightly afraid that all nurses will be as insane and unreasonable as they are- though I suspect that this will not hold true. Or perhaps I just hope that this will not hold true. Otherwise the only logical explanation is that they put crack in the coffee at the hospital. But so far my clinicals have gone well and I have enjoyed working with many of the nurses on staff. So I am hoping that I will continue this trend.

Here and Gone Again

Well, Valentine's day has come and gone- and has had my boyfriend. We managed to sneak in one last weekend together before he deploys around the first of next month. Three whole days spent together and in the company of respective families. Ok, to be fair I could have done without the family part. But I couldn't find it in me to protest it. After all, I am not the only one he is leaving behind. And it gave me a chance to meet his mother and some of his extended family, so that was all for the good.

I had briefly considered making up some non-life threatening but plausible illness to prevent him from meeting my side of the family, but in the end I decided that it was best to throw him to the wolves now rather then let him get too invested before hand. So, to Grandmother's house we went. Fortunately my aunt was on her best behavior- she too apparently assuming that it is much to early in the relationship to find out the true nature of the insanity that is our family. She was polite, she whipped out all the family photos and had detailed explanations for each one- just in case he was interested in meeting any of the family that is unfortunate enough to still reside in Kansas and he might get a wild hare up his butt to go looking for my family in Kansas. You know, because corn fields and farmers are definitely worth the trip.

G. leaves in just a few days. I won't be able to see him again until sometime in fall- no one knows exactly when. All I can hope and pray is that he will return to me well in body and spirit. I pray that the time goes by quickly and smoothly for all concerned. And I pray that I am strong enough to be here for him, waiting for his return.

Love

Valentine's Day is looming near, rearing it's ugly head to the fear and consternation of lovers everywhere. The one day in which affection becomes obligatory, no longer a joy freely given. But it leaves one wondering, or at least this one wondering, what is the nature of love?
It has always been my personal belief that love is something we grow into you. That blinding lights to the brain, odd revelations in the middle of the night- music, fairy dust and all that rot- were abstract works of fiction created to inspire the parting of money and pocket. That love, true and abiding love, was an animal of an entirely different nature. It was slow, solid and deliberate. Basically the mule of the emotional world- steady and plodding, but gets the job done without too much fan fair. That often, under the flash and attraction of first love there lay the mule ready to take over where the race horse left off, if one may excuse the extended equine analogy.
Perhaps things are not so simple. Love is something else entirely, or rather- it is entirely neither but shares the characteristics of both. Love is the quick flash- the burning light to the brain. It is waking up in the middle of the night with the sudden realization- I am in love. It is the feeling of innate rightness, deep in the soul that who and what you are is meant to be with another. But it is also that slow deliberate plodding creature. It is choosing to spend time watching a football game when you would rather be reading. It is leaving the last cookie in the bag for someone else. It is sitting quiet with someone without a word to say and being content in the silence.
Perhaps in the end, love is knowing that you would rather run the uncertain risk of entering into a relationship with someone then to never know what might have been.

And off he goes.....

Well, dear BF is off to training in lovely and scenic Manhattan, Kansas. When he called last night, he was complaining about the weather- apparently it was in the teens/low twenties which is quite a big jump from lows in the fifties here in Texas. Adding further to his frustration is the fact that the military, in all it's wisdom, designed a schedule in which they were rushed up from Texas only to have a day off today, in-processing tomorrow and Thursday through Monday off. Basically, those days which he could have spent with me or his daughter are completely wasted. Typical military. He's completely frustrated and will start looking to transfer to a special assignment for the last of his military career. Selfishly, I would love to have him set in recruiting for the next three years until retirement.

I have been wondering if our relationship hasn't outpaced itself a bit. A lot of the problem is that he wanted things more settled and certain before he left. Which I could understand, what's the use of pinning your hopes on someone who may or may not be there in eight months when you return. Its a pretty common story in the military- boy meets girl. Boy gets deployed. Boy returns to find girl with other boy in bed. Sometimes people have returned to full divorce petitions. Every one I know who has deployed has that in the back of their minds when they leave a loved one. So I really do understand why things progressed so quickly.

Its going to take quite a bit for me to shift him out of my focus for the next few months. I have to graduate and I can't let anything distract me too much. Fortunately the worst is over with last semester and I am looking forward to many of my courses this semester. I have added a second job at the hospital- its an extern position which will help me learn the ropes there and gain the skills I will need as a nurse. I feel I have a good grasp of why things are done and what to look for in patients, but the actual skills are a bit weak due to a lack of opportunities to practice. Unfortunately, you can't just start an IV on someone because you want the practice. Something silly about ethics. Whatever. Pfft.

Holiday Happenings

Well, spent Christmas with the parents. I drove back to Midland with the mutts in tow on the Saturday before Christmas (having neatly planned being only able to stay with them for five days). It was a nice trip though. My mother and I didn't have enough time to start any fights, what with the holiday preparations and what not. The only major contention was my oldest dog, Lilith. I had allowed my parents to keep her after I managed to get a house with a large backyard because they were convinced that my other small dogs would drive her crazy. However this holiday I couldn't stand watching my mother feed a now obese ten year old dog cheesy-beefy rice. So, Lilith has returned home with me. And it was a great decision, for her at least. She's on a good diet now and I have taken her to the dog park a number of times. She trots around the park trying to break up the fights between other dogs and once Pongo has annoyed another dog beyond all measure, Pongo hides under her belly for protection.

The dog park is an interesting phenomenon. All the "how to net and pen a suitable dating partner" books and articles always mention dog parks as a great place to meet people. I can only assume that this is because they have never actually been to one. For those of you who have not, its a culture unto itself. People stand around watching their dogs telling each other elaborate (and mostly made up) stories about how wonderful their dogs are with the occasional interjection of "Molly, stop that! No!" and "Oh, she never does that at home....". No one introduces themselves. We introduce the dogs. I am now officially "Lilith's, Pongo's and Beaudroux's Mom". I mean, I always wanted a title, right? We spend time tickling other people's dogs, throwing balls for them, laughing with them and sitting with a huge pile of dogs around us. But we barely look at the other humans around us. Because the dog park is literally, for the dogs. So, by all means- take your dog to the dog park. They will never be happier then running around and interacting with all the other crazy mutts. But don't expect too much on the human side of things, for at the dog park the dogs definitely rule.

And in other news, the man I am dating is about to be sent off for training. He deploys to Afghanistan in March. We just started dating, so who knows what so many months separated will do. My timing has always been a bitch.

We'll Keep the Light On For You

The Internet was awash in forwarded emails and blog postings of the news about the secession of the Diocese of San Joachin from the Episcopal Church. The Bible study couldn't start until we had discussed it. Will other dioceses follow? What will it mean to us? Will there even be an Episcopal Church in that part of California?

Of course there will. If the leadership of San Joachin doesn't want to be an Episcopal diocese any more, someone else will do that. If they are successful in taking all their property with them, as they hope to be, new Episcopal churches will be planted and will grow in other locations. It will be an exciting time and place to be a young priest, I think: to be part of that missionary response, making common cause with those who treasure the comprehensiveness, diversity and respect for conscience most of us have come to consider one of Anglicanism's great gifts.

Maybe it's time for this to happen. It cannot have been to anyone's soul's health to be primarily identifiable by being against things for so many years. There needs to be more to faith than what one opposes. The glamour of seeing oneself as part of a faithful remnant is both seductive and addictive -- will these dioceses, who have nursed their grievances for so long, even know who they are if they are no longer aggrieved? I hope they do, and that now, free from the onerous burden of their association with us, they can turn their energies to better things.

For it must be true that they, like the rest of us, take seriously the duty we all have to care for those in need. I hope they turn to that work as soon as possible, that they -- and we -- don't choose to squander time, energy and huge amounts of money in protracted fights over buildings and bank accounts. All of us need to ask ourselves if those things are more important than getting free of the malignant tumor of factionalism that has developed its own blood supply and sucked way too much energy from the body of Christ, energy urgently needed by a world that longs for the love of God and doesn't even know it.

And one thing more: this moment in history will come to an end. The time may come when we are one again. We need to welcome that moment with an open heart. Let's keep the door open and leave the porch light on.

Copyright © 2007 Barbara Crafton
Found here: The Geranium Farm

Commentary:
A friend and I were talking after EfM last night about this very issue. In any diocese that leaves, indeed, in any church that leaves TEC, there is and will always be those few individuals who do not wish to leave. I find myself appalled at the lack of support for the very real emotional and spiritual crises in which they find themselves. What is being done as a church body to succor and help them? For I see nothing and I hear very few express concern. I suppose I am highly irritated at our Presiding Bishop for getting so caught up in the legality of the issues that it seems she forgot that churches are not buildings. Churches are not places, or revenue or grants. Churches are people. And there are people who are being set aside at the moment for what I know is a very difficult litigation. However, and this is a big however, to ignore members of our own church body for reasons of connivance is to not act as the leader and spiritual guide for all members of the church body. And shame on our PB for forgetting that.